What makes a man gay?

What makes a man gay? Part of the reason why I started taking a few little peeks outside my closet was to learn more in an attempt to answer this question.

As an introduction, I like the metaphor that homosexuality is like coughing - one cough sounds a lot like any other, but the causes can be many and varied. You might cough because you're in a dusty room, or because you have a cold, or because you have tuberculosis, or perhaps just because you want to catch someone's attention. It's not a disease in itself, but a symptom of something else.

Similarly, all homosexual activity may look the same on the surface, but the root causes differ wildly. Some men have sex with other men because their sexual identity was screwed up by some trauma in their childhood. Some men have sex with other men because they're locked away with no female company and their sex drive overwhelms their natural inclinations. Some men have sex with other men to assert their power and dominance over them. And some men have sex with other men because they're perverts who will do anything (and I mean DO anything) to get a new kick. None of these men are really homosexuals in the pure sense... although ironically they're getting more action than me (Bastards!).

And then there are men like me, who are sexually attracted to other men for reasons that aren't really understood and don't fit into any of the catagories above. The only theory that seems to mesh with my own experience is the theory that a man is made gay in uetero, possibly by his mother's body rejecting the alien rush of testosterone being injected into the embryo. As a result, a part of the male feotus' brain that controls sexual attraction remains in a default female state, while all around it other parts of the brain and body develop normally as male.

Of course, this basic flaw in the architecture of the brain has a cascading effect throughout the whole structure, both of the brain itself and the psychology that grows from it. The brain struggles to accomodate the conflicting drives, trying to reconcile within itself a male identity and a contradictory male sexual attraction.

Thus gay men aren't screwed up because a homophobic society detests them (although I'm sure that hasn't helped). Gay men are screwed up because they're screwed up. At the very core of their idenity there is a basic contradiction, and although the brain finds ingenious ways to live with it, it's always there, and we are incapable of finding a sense of "rightness" in ourselves because of it. I'm yet to meet a gay man with a calm, sane, sensible relationship with himself, even though I meet men like that all the time in the straight world. Society can endorse male homosexuality all it wants, but gay men will always have to live with, and be tortured by, this deep, intrinsic sense of wrongness.

You may think, "That sounds tragic!", to which I would reply "Well duh." Life is tragedy, and we all have to get along with it the best we can. Conversely, you may think, "You're just a self-loathing closet case who needs to get some PRIDE!", to which I would reply "Bite me."

This in uetero theory of homosexuality has a lot of repercussions in behaviour, morality and psychology, but unless I want to make this post longer than a John Grisham novel (which I don't), I'll deal with them at a later date.

But I don't want to end on a downer, so here's a picture of a bunny.

The internet is no place for pictures of your ass!

In my travels around the internet I've come across an article with the rather self-explanatory title, 'An Open Letter To Men Who Post Pictures Of Their Penis On The Internet From A Man Who Doesn't'.

And good for him, I say! I endorse any man who doesn't post pictures of his penis on the internet. Such men are to be encouraged!

On a similar theme, my own personal pet peeve is men who post pictures of their naked asses on gaymatchmaker.com.au.

I can understand it if they're just looking for meaningless sex, and if their asses are particularly spectacular examples of assdom. In those cases, a picture of their ass sends a pretty straightforward message: "Ass for hire - enquire within".

(Ewww. Sorry.)

But often these arse photos are attached to profiles that claim the guy is seeking "friendship" or a "committed relationship". Frankly, I don't get it. I don't see the connection between "I am looking for my soulmate" and "Here is a picture of my ass". Just imagine it...

Me: Hello, I like cycling, chocolate croissants and French cinema. What about you?

Assman: Well, I'm into swimming, Thai food and POSTING PICTURES OF MY NAKED ASS ON THE INTERNET.

Me: I see.

As if that wasn't bad enough, many of these asses are... well... not worth the bandwidth, to be honest. If the sight of someone's pale, flabby butt cheeks is supposed to make me horny, then I must not be very good at this whole 'gay' thing. What am I supposed to think? "Hey, you have an ass. I have an ass too! We must be meant for each other!"?

So, in conclusion, unless you are a professional underwear model with an ass of sublime perfection, keep it in your pants. Please.

Profundity from (gasp) Craigslist

hot guy with the faux hawk and straight 'tude at Crunch (YEAH YOU) - m4m

You: hot guy with the faux hawk, camos, and gonch undies with perfect tan line, 4% bodyfat, american apparel tri-blend track shirt, L7silvr phone, ipod nano on stairclimber reading DNA Magazine and drinking a Macchiato with nonfat foam.

Me: buzzed cut, ripped tatted guy with 501's with a flash of ice blue aussie bum undies and wife beater chillin on my nano with some Eminem and texting my bros on my sidekick and drinking Twinlab Extreme Ripped Force Drink.

We checked each other out for a millisecond there but I was too shy to appoach you. I definately felt there was some chemistry heating up and would like to take it to the next level. Hit me up if you wanna grab some coffee or a drink. Or dinner.

Or maybe we could go on an Atlantis Gay Cruise together and they can take photos of us for the brochure with you on my shoulders in matching awning striped speedos looking tan and in love.

Or maybe we could snap up a couple of French Bulldogs and name them Louis and Vuitton and have our portrait done with us in matching khakis and barefoot to send as a Christmas Card.

Or maybe we could do a shit load of Tina and K and E and GHB and feel really hot and go to White Party in outfits made by BCBG and dance shirtless in the glistening sweat of the other manboys around us.

Or maybe something about you can help me fill this desperate lonliness and emptiness that has been devouring me as I frantically chase an image and life of someone I will never be. Maybe I won't have to use words like "hit me up" and "grab coffee" and "bro" to mask the self loathing homophobia I possess, praying they will make me come across as butch and straight and hell, anything but the sad, starving, lonely, judgemental, bitter, cynical, poser, wannabe that I really am.

Seriously Dude. Hit me up, if you are interested.

Disconnect between fictional representations of homosexuality and actual gay men in the media.

Fictional representation: Consider anyone who dated one of the main characters on 'Queer as Folk'. Almost all of them were about as fairy-like as a bulldozer. Most of them behaved like ordinary men... who just happened to be gay.

Actual gay men: Have you seen the token gay couple on a new reality TV show called "Last Chance Learners"? They're both bitchy, shrieky, fussy fags with perma-tans and queeny sunglasses. If you dropped them into the middle of a sitcom they'd be widely decried as caricatures... but they're real people! Sure, reality TV is scripted and edited to hell and back, but I seriously doubt there was a producer standing next to them saying "Okay, let's do that scene again, but this time, instead of behaving like someone with a Y chromosome, I want you to shriek and flap your hands like a fat girl who just won a dishwasher on 'The Price Is Right'."

I don't know why this is. Are all TV writers sleeping with the same Pride PR boi?

Users and Abusers

I've been reading about the case of Wheeler and Urquhart in the newspaper, and when I reflect on it, I feel my soul recoil inside me.

They exist in a place that disgusts me, and I don't make that judgement based on the sex or the drugs or kidnapping or the possible conspiracy to murder. I make it on the basis that two men in their forties approached a 14 year old in the street with a mindset of "Here is a boy; what can he offer us?"

14 year olds do not exist to offer adults anything. Normal people look at a boy that age and think, "Here is a person who needs nurturing, protection and encouragment to join us in the adult world". Normal people do not think "Here's a chance for some X-rated fun". There's a massive difference between a 16 year old looking at a 14 year old and seeing a prospective partner and lover, and a 46 year old looking at a 14 year old and seeing an object that might bring a bit of spice to his jaded sexual palate. The sheer selfishness of it all revolts me.

And now that they've been caught, Wheeler and Urquhart are discovering the end results of their mindset. Their whining, self-justification and terrified bargaining only makes the scenario more abhorrent. Their punishment will be worse than anything they can imagine --- we all know how child rapists are treated in prison.

When the stream of consciousness is more of a trickle

There's not much to admire about Soniq, a guy I noticed on GMM, but he is certainly direct. Under "About Myself" he writes:

i am a vergin who want sto be fucked hard by huge cock
fucked hard fucked hard fucked hard hard hard hard hard

It's almost poetry.

With 75% of your daily requirement of folate in every serve!

The tagline from GMM member hellohello6969:

I'm blessed with natural horniness!

And added vitamins!

I suppose it's a refreshing change from all that artificial horniness I've been seeing around the place. You know, from people who claim to be genuinely horny, but really they're just logging on to gaymatchmaker.com.au for the sparkling wit and conversation.

At least he knows how to spell 'horniness'. That's 10 Kudos Points right there.