Friday, May 31, 2013

Of AlphaGays and self-loathing



You may have heard of the term "AlphaGay" - if you google it you get 38 million hits. They are those overachieving, obnoxiously perfect and infuriatingly hot gay men (and, on the stroke of turning 30, gay couples) who lead the gay world and make the rest of us feel deeply, desperately inadequate.

If AlphaGays exists, there must logically be BetaGays. And if we use the 1932 dystopian classic 'Brave New World' as our guide, the gay world could be logically divided into Alphas, Betas, Gammas, Deltas and poor unfortunate Epsilons.

But where is the line drawn? What separates an AlphaGay from a BetaGay, or a GammaGay from a DeltaGay? And more importantly, where do you fall in the spectrum? And even MORE importantly, are you dating, or attempting to date, out of your class?

Please take this handy quiz to determine exactly where you fall on the spectrum.

1. Annually, I earn:

A: $150,000 +
B: $100,000 - $150,000
C: $50,000 - $100,000
D: less than $50,000
E: Whatever the government and my mother give me.

2. The amount of time between the breakup of my last relationship and the start of my current relationship was:

A: 0 - 2 months 

"When Bryce and I broke up I decided to just enjoy being single for a while. Time to party! But then only three weeks later I met Chad at the gym and it was love at first sight!" 
B: 2 - 12 months 
"It took me a while to get over my breakup with Alan, and I'd forgotten just how shallow and endless the dating scene can be. But after a bunch of "meh" dates I met James, and I knew right from the start that I had found someone special." 
C: 1 year - 2 years 
"My last relationship was a disaster, and while I think it was good for us to part I found the dating scene to be a nightmare. The one-night stands leave you feeling empty, and the rejections leave you feeling hurt. I was just about ready to give up when I met Rob, so hey, it's a good thing I stuck to it!" 
D: 2 years - 5 years 
"If I'd known how bad it is out there I probably wouldn't have broken up with my last boyfriend! The endless rounds of bars and Grindr and being rejected really got me down. When I finally met Wayne - a nice normal guy who doesn't take himself too seriously - I grabbed hold of him and haven't let him go.
E: N/A 
"I blew a guy in a car park at 2am back in June 2009. Does that count?"

3. My physique could best be described as:

A: Excellent. I have a six pack, biceps and triceps that threaten the stitching on my shirts, and a perfect ass. I manscape religiously. I look great without a shirt. 

B: Good. I have a flat stomach and nicely toned arms. I do some light manscaping. I look good in snug fitted shirts. 
C: Average. I'm developing a little pot belly, and I need to get to the gym more, but I look fine in a polo shirt and shorts. 
D: Poor. I have the average body for a straight man my age. So by gay standards I'm pale, hairy and morbidly obese. 
E: OMG. I'm pale, hairy and morbidly obese even by straight standards.

4. I live in:

A: an enviable apartment in the best part of my city's Gay Belt with my man. 

B: a nice place in the Gay Belt with my man. 
C: an okay place in an okay suburb. I'm trying to convince my man to move in with me. 
D: a fixer upper on the outskirts of the city. My man often stays the night. 
E: a tiny cramped flat that I can barely afford. Alone.

5. The man currently next to me in bed is:

A: My husband 

B: My partner 
C: My boyfriend 
D: My fuck buddy 
E: Eric? Or was it Evan? Ethan? It was something starting with E...

6. The last time I went out to an organised gay event, it was the following:

A: Keiran and Orlando invited us to the black tie preview of the new Keith Harring retrospective at MOMA. Everyone was there. Hmmm... is it just me, or is Veuve kind of over? 

B: We were invited to a fundraiser for the It Gets Better Campaign. Lovely venue. Live performance by Missy Higgins! I just wish we could do more for the cause. 
C: We went to the Pride Party after the Parade. Then we had a fight because Greg was staring at some little twink bitch all night. 
D: I went to a gay mixer that I read about online. It was a bit sad - so many lonely old men. But I chatted for a while with a nice Asian guy and his boyfriend. 
E: I went to Meat Market Monday at my local gay bar. I think I picked someone up... I'm not sure... I was pretty drunk.

7. For my last holiday:

A: Toby and I went snowboarding in Austria, then picked up some new furniture in Milan, before stopping at luxury spa retreat in Thailand just to recharge. 

B: Richard and I went to visit his old friend Briony in Vancouver. On the way back we spent a weekend shopping in Hong Kong. 
C: Sam, Craig and I hired a car and drove around New Zealand. Craig was the only one brave enough to bungee jump. 
D: I went to Bali with a bunch of mates. We swam in the pool every day and got epically drunk every night. 
E: I took the bus to visit my sister in Kalgoorlie.

8. Gay marriage is:

A: The greatest civil liberties issue of our time! 

B: Very important for the equality of all couples who love each other. 
C: Something that gay men should be able to do if they want to. 
D: Something to look forward to, maybe, someday, when I meet the right guy.
E: Irrelevant.

9. Most of my wardrobe is from:

A: Hugo Boss 

B: Country Road 
C: Industrie 
D: Target 
E: K-Mart

10. When it comes to being open about my sexuality, I am:

A: Out, proud, and ready to bring in the human rights lawyers if I so much as suspect that anyone disapproves! 

B: Out and proud, but not, like, obnoxious about it or anything. 
C: Out to friends and family, but I don't advertise it at work. 
D: Out to a few select people. 
E: So deep in the closet that you can smell the Turkish Delight and lion shit.

So how did you do?

Mostly As: You're an AlphaGay. Frankly, you can cram your Prada shoes, your french bulldog and your Porsche keys right up your ass. Oh, no, wait, your husband's 10 inch cock is already up there. I hate you.

Mostly Bs: You're a BetaGay. Your life is good rather than wonderful, and you probably think you're pretty average for a gay man. In some ways I hate you even more.

Mostly Cs: You're a GammaGay. Your life isn't perfect, but you're content enough. You really have nothing to complain about.

Mostly Ds: You're a DeltaGay. You have plenty to complain about, but it could be worse. If you're lucky, and patient, you may one day find happiness.

Mostly Es: You're an EpsilonGay. You're the Special Needs kid of the gay world. Your life is sad and awful. For heaven's sake, come out, get to the gym and find a job! You may yet be able to drag yourself up to be a Delta.