Why are things so damn complicated?

Last Thursday I saw BN2 for the first time in over two weeks, thanks to him being away on business overseas, and as usual we ended up in his bed. And maybe it’s because we hadn’t seen each other in a while, but it was the wildest sex we’ve ever had.

Lying there afterwards, exhausted and drenched in sweat, he told me he hadn’t had sex like that since he was a teenager. I was just impressed that he’d come five or six times (yes, I was counting) in barely an hour.

But there was something that troubled me. When we were talking later I noticed that he’d lost the flirtatious banter that characterizes most of our pillow talk. His kisses were suddenly gentle and tender, rather than rough and sexy. It was as if in his mind we’d suddenly evolved from being a couple of gay guys fooling around with each other and become something… more.

And I didn’t like that one bit.

Here I was worrying about me falling for him, and now it seems that he’s falling for me instead. Over the last few weeks I’ve realized that while I like BN2 and enjoy the making out and the sex, I’m not particularly interested in taking things further. He’s masculine, intelligent, reasonably good-looking, kindly and successful… but there’s still something missing. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s there. Or rather it’s not there. I don’t want him to be my boyfriend and I don’t want to be his.

To be brutally honest, if he met someone else and wanted to put an end to our relationship, I might feel a little rejected for a few days but I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. Even as it is, I see him once or twice a fortnight and I have no desire to see him any more often than that. If he moved away to a distant city tomorrow, I’d barely miss him. Does that sound like love to you?

All of this might be easier to deal with if we didn’t have this strong physical component to our relationship. Unfortunately BN2 has a talent for getting my motor running. The preliminary kisses and touches quickly become more ardent and intense… and from there it’s only a few minutes until the clothes come off and the porn soundtrack begins. I don’t feel anything particularly special for him, but hey, I enjoy getting laid as much as the next guy.

But if he feels more than I do I’ve got to deal with that.