Over the last couple of months I've had two contenders for First Boyfriend Ever. But needless to say, both relationships fell apart before the first hurdle.
The first was the more profound of the two, lasting for around six weeks. I liked him and he liked me. He was very demonstrative (we were holding hands by our second date) and he made me laugh. Sure, he smoked and sure, he drank too much and sure, he was on anti-anxiety and anti-depression and anti-ADHD medications. And sure, he had such a hairy back that being the Big Spoon was an ordeal. I could look past those things to the cute, sweet, affectionate guy behind it all.
But he grew bored and, I think, resentful that I was going away for a month's holiday in Europe, a trip I'd organised long before I met him. We were supposed to have a date on the Friday before I left and he cancelled because he was tired. So we rescheduled for the Sunday, right before I was flying out, but he stood me up and then claimed he'd fallen asleep. I figured I'd been dumped, but when I got back from Europe I reached out to him anyway. He responds to my texts, sometimes, and he did admit to wanting me once, at 1.30am, when he was drunk, but that hasn't translated into an actual meeting.
However just as this was happening, about two weeks ago, I was being determinedly pursued by another guy. He doesn't smoke or drink too much, he's attractive and sexy and goofy with a killer smile, and he can't get over how "beautiful" I am. Our first two dates quickly devolved into uncontrollable sex, but bookending the sex we both seemed to like what we were finding out about each other. It was moving fast but it felt right to both of us.
But we were supposed to have a date last night, and since Sunday morning he refused to answer my texts. Last night came and went without a word from him. Figuring he had misplaced his phone or something, I tried phoning it. I got a text soon after saying that, "there's nothing worse than speaking on the phone... it's traumatizing" and that there's "too much to handle in (his) head". I texted back to ask what was going on and offering my help if I could, but there hasn't been a response.
I should have known that anyone who thought I was "beautiful" would turn out to be mentally disturbed.
So I'm back to square one, yet again.
It's not that I don't have interest from other quarters - just nothing that's welcome. There's a friend of a friend who is desperate to date me. Sure, he's unattractive and tedious and demanding and we have nothing in common, but he wants me. Or rather he wants someone, and I'm available. And apparently I don't deserve any better than that.
It doesn't help that another friend, who is roughly the same age as me, is in the process of falling in love with an amazing guy, and he's been giving me a blow by blow account of it all. He has a knack for evocatively describing the delicious terror of meeting someone out of your league, fearing for the moment that the spell breaks and he realises he's too good for you, but then discovering that, somehow, magically, he's actually really into you too.
In addition, the sex is apparently epic. Of their most recent encounter, he said it was, "undoubtedly the most passionate and out there and enlightening sexual experience of my life"... and it seems his lover felt the same way.
Of course I am both jealous of him and hopeful for him: hey, I'm a human being and I'm allowed to have contradictory feelings about the situation. The cynic in me notes that he's tall and freakishly fit and a very engaging person... of course he's going to find love sooner or later. The optimist in me notes that if he can find love in his mid-40s, maybe there's the slim possibility that the rest of us can too.
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