Two wrongs make my night

I'm not very active on GMM these days, so I don't get winked very often. But the drought broke on Friday... although I kind of wish it hadn't. I looked up my winker's profile to see what kind of guy he was.

He listed himself as "attractive". After having a good look at his photos, I can fairly safely offer this advice to everyone writing a personal ad: not having any major physical disfigurements does NOT mean you're attractive!

He listed himself as "38". Many people tell little fibs about their age on GMM, but if you're 38, pal, then I'm 16.

He listed himself as "just a normal guy". But the face in the pictures suggested otherwise. You know how sometimes you can see right down deep into a person just from the way they hold themselves in photographs? His posture and expression spoke volumes about a life of self-delusion, denial and social disappointment.

So I sent him the templated 'Thanks, but no thanks' message.

Moments later I got a wink from someone else! Wow, two in one night! This new guy only had one photo... in which he wore one of those "I still live with my mother... who died in 1997" expressions.

Needless to say, he got the same response.

My car is flamin', which makes me a flamer!

On the way home from work last night I was briefly behind a car with personalised numberplates. The numberplates read FLAYMIN.

I actually laughed out loud. Ah, the hilarious tragedy of young Asian men with an incomplete grasp of English slang. I felt like pulling up beside him and calling out, "Honey, I hate to disappoint you, but "flaming" doesn't mean what you think it means."

Of course it could be that he was gay. But I doubt it. I've yet to meet a gay man who would be caught dead behind the wheel of a Mitsubishi Lancer Evo.

Nudity on the Bounty

Via Paul Up Late, I had a look at Mutiny on the Bounty's blog. It's a unique mix of Greek travelogue and gay porn, so if you're interested in either of those things (or, even better, both) it's well worth a look.

However I'm having a hard time getting over the name. I keep envisioning the father and son from the Telstra broadband ads...

Dad: What do we need to look up on the broadband for your homework, son?

Son: The teacher says we need to find out about Fletcher Christian and the mutiny on the Bounty.

Dad: Okay, well, we'll just type "mutiny on the bounty" into the search engine, and... ooh, look, there's an entire blog about it! I'll just click on the link and... AAARRRRGGGG!!!!

Still no good at being gay

Everyone else's caption: Hot boys asleep in the sun.

My caption: The scene of the St Valentine's Day Twink Massacre of 1929.

It needed to be said

I totally love this guy. Possibly because I'm not a fag hag.

Hi there. I am a gay man living in Los Angeles. Let me just say that I have many women friends. And I applaud the open-minded, progressive attitudes most straight women seem to have nowadays.

However, I have noticed that we've crossed over into a place where some women are just a little too comfortable with homosexuality. "Too much tolerance" you say? I'll explain.

Honestly, I am flattered when a woman says something along the lines of "you're cute. Too bad you're not straight." That's nice to hear. I'm not going into some PC tirade over a compliment. You know what though? I only need to hear it once. My friend's friend says it every time I see her. She does the rubbing my upper back back, hands in my hair shit. And you know what I want to say? "LISTEN. My being gay isn't the only reason it would never happen." Like, back the fuck up. And she's also volunteered to be my beard at events. "Great, we'll time travel to the 1950s when people in LA last did that."

I think "Will and Grace" has instructed an entire generation of women that gay men are dying - DYING! - to be your friend and indulge your every co-dependent and neurotic whim. We'll be there in a clinch with a "you go girl!" or "you look fierce!" Because we all love to say that stuff and many other quippy zingers.

...

As far as the shopping thing goes: I love saying "I'm not really into shopping" and I just stand back and wait for their heads to explode. Their precious "Will and Grace" never prepared them for that possibility!

...

Also, please refrain from referring to your gay friend as "my Will" or yourself as "Grace." That's totally queer. It was an okay show that's been off the air for over a year. Move on.

...

In closing, I am a friendly guy and like knowing people from all walks of life. But straight girls, just dial down the desperation level a couple of notches and find a more constructive way to deal with the void that the cancellation of "Sex and the City" has left in your life. (Full disclosure: I'm a total Miranda!) If we're meant to be friends, you'll let me breathe and know me for me, not as the hot urban accessory of the gay male friend. Thank you. I feel so much better.

It's a great man who can be so wise and yet so bitchy at the same time.

The Gospel According to St. Doofus

People take their taglines on gaymatchmaker.com.au from a variety of sources - advertising catchphrases, movie dialogue, popular cliches or even Shakespeare.

However it takes a certain kind of man to quote The Bible in the tagline for his personal ad seeking casual gay sex... and a fellow named tristar is such a man:

Man can't live on bread alone.

Somehow I suspect that he might have misunderstood the rest of the quote.

Humour versus Hotness

I'm really not very good at this whole gay thing.

I see photos like the ones below, taken from All Aussie Beef, and I know my first reaction is supposed to be to swoon over the model's youth and beauty and hotness. But my first reaction isn't that. My first reaction is to laugh.



Standard gay reaction: Ooh, check out those bedroom eyes.

My reaction: Is he smouldering, or has he just been whacked across the back of the head with a cricket bat?



Standard gay reaction: Hmmm... nice.

My reaction: Hello. I got dressed this morning by walking into my closet and jumping around for ten minutes.



Standard gay reaction: Ooh yeah!

My reaction: I see he has just as much trouble undressing as he does dressing.



Standard gay reaction: Oh baby!

My reaction: Grrr! Hulk hate tighty-whiteys! Hulk rip!

And then just when I start to think that maybe I must be straight after all, I see a photo like this:



And I'm so overwhelmed with hopeless, devastating lust that my higher brain functions shut down entirely, and the next thing I know I'm regaining consciousness, my tongue feels kinda dusty and my computer monitor has been licked clean.

So, yeah, I'm totally gay after all. Go figure.