I finally start posting again, and THIS is what you get...‏

The good thing about an anonymous blog like this one is that it allows perfectly honest expression. There's no need to be trying to make a good impression, or spare someone's feelings, or maintain a facade.

Ever since the start of the year I've been in a bad way. Having bloated up on idle feasting over the Christmas holidays, I've put myself on a hard diet. Perhaps it's the low blood sugar levels, but I've been in a sour mood ever since. Always tired. Always hungry. And as a result, always curt, misanthropic and unhappy.

I've also been to three weddings in two months, and had two long-time friends, on whom I'd thought I could rely to be my companions in singledom, suddenly fall into separate serious relationships. All of my remaining single friends are at least ten years younger than me. ALL of my gay friends are partnered. I find myself walking down a once crowded path that has suddenly been cleared of everyone but me.

I did go on my first date in several months a few weeks ago. He wasn't overblessed in the looks department. He was a little swishy. We struggled to find things to talk about: he had no interest in books, and his tastes in movies and music could best be described as "pedestrian". He probably would have been up for a shag if either of us had raised the possibility - in a you know, hey, why not, it's not like I have anything else I need to be doing kind of way - but it would have been a pointless one night stand, and I don't want to be that kind of person. In the end the most intimate we got was simply a little peck goodnight, which only served to remind me how much I miss kissing.

Human beings are comparative. Right now I feel as if all I want is a good fuck buddy. But of course, if I actually had one, I'd be pining for a proper boyfriend. If I had one of those, I'd be wishing I had a partner. And if I had a partner, I'd just want a better partner. Once I settled into each style of relationship, I'd only be moping after the next one up the chain.

Or at least that's what I tell myself. In most areas of my life I tend to be contented with what I have. My job is a little boring but I like it. I have a 12 year old car but it suits me and it's fun. I have a couple of niggling health problems but I'm intensely grateful that I don't have some of the conditions that my friends suffer. Maybe in matters romantic I'd be the same. "Sure, Mr X has a spare tyre, and he talks too much, and he's a bit of a cheapskate, but he's fun in the sack and he has a good heart."

As we close in on the two year anniverary of The Last Time I Had Sex, I have moments of thinking, "Why did I let things fall apart with BN2? He was nice and he wanted to have sex with me. Let me repeat that. He was NICE! He wanted to have SEX! With ME! Why did I think that there might be more to life than that?"

Of course it's possible that I'm fooling myself. Perhaps the reason why we drifted apart was because he was begining to tire of me, and my hesitation about the relationship just hastened the process? But I can't know. I doubt we could have ever fallen in love, but at least we could have had a lot of fun together. I could use a bit of fun in my life.