Dismissing the loser.

Someone (I think it may have been Joe.My.God) once chronicled the phenomenon of the sudden cruising backpedal. You see a guy who looks mighty good, so you turn on the smile and the encouraging body language... then he changes position or steps into better light and you suddenly see that he's actually far from good. There follows a furious reversing as you try to undo the body language and make the smile polite rather than sexy.

This phenomenon is even more pronounced online. People tend to put their best pictures up on their profiles, where the angle of the head hides the double chin or cropping hides the big ears. They have also had time to carefully edit their text to hide the hints of neediness, bitchiness and/or stupidity that come out in spontaneous communication. It can be almost impossible to tell if a guy is worthy or not from such profiles, and you don't eventually find out until you've been chatting for an hour and he's sent you other, less flattering photos. Then you just want to get the hell out... but you want to do it with an element of dignity for everyone concerned.

So what do you say when a guy you thought was a 10 turns out to be a 1.0? From my experience there's a lot of remarkably ingenious psychology in use out there. Competently handled, a subtle dismissal can almost be a compliment. Observe the following true life examples, with ratings based on style and effectiveness.

1. (Following a date, in response to "Do you want to go out again?") "I'm all tied up this week, but maybe some time after that?"

I rather like this one. It pushes any possible communication far enough into the future to allow interest to cool (and realisation to dawn), but close enough to the present that it doesn't instantly make him feel completely unimportant. It allows for a gentle, gradual let down. Rating: A-

2. "Give me your number - I'm going out now but I'll buzz you when I get back."

A little amateurish, but still quite effective. It prevents a guy to whom you've given your number from calling you for at least a few hours, during which time he'll hopefully click that you regret showing an interest in him in the first place. Of course he might eventually call you, but if he's that clueless you're entitled to be a little more direct when you dismiss him. Rating: B-

3. "Well, I'm off to bed. I'll catch you again over the weekend."

"Off to bed" is a valid excuse - I've used it myself more than once - but frankly its effectiveness is a little blunted when you try using it at 9.30pm, as was the case with one guy who used it on me recently. The "catch you over the weekend", too, is not the best line. It's too specific in timeframe, and it's not specific enough in who'll take the initiative. Rating: C-

4. "I gotta go, but I look forward to chatting with you again."

I've used this one myself. I like to think that it validates the other guy (ie you're worth communicating with) without giving him any reason to think that I'm desperate to see him. Rating: C+

5. "I'm sort of putting all of my effort into someone else right now, but if that falls through maybe we can get together?"

Ironically I think this is unintentional genius. It's so completely clumsy, self-centred and clueless that you feel you've dodged a bullet in getting rejected. It's so idiotic that it's actually clever. Rating: B+

5. (dead silence)

This isn't a good idea. It doesn't say "Oops, you're worth less than I thought" so much as "You're worth nothing." And people tend to get cranky and vindictive when you say that. Go figure. Rating: F