Thursday, September 29, 2011

"But WHY do you want gay marriage?": some reasons you may not have considered.



I'm against gay marriage. The reasons why are complicated, but they boil down to a belief that marriage is about a lot more than love and commitment. It's about societal leadership, a balanced structure for children, reproductive stability, nurturing environments for both men and women, and a host of other things that form the foundations of our civilisation. It's true that in recent decades the institution of marriage has become a ridiculous farce, at least in some circles. But it is only pushed further into ignominy by offering it to same sex couples, and we as a civilisation should be trying to draw it back, not push it further.

Which is not to say that I'm against gay partnerships, enjoying the same status under the law. I'm just against gay marriage.

But that's not what this post is really about. This post is a reflection on why gay marriage is so forward in the minds of modern homosexuals. After all, the whole idea of gay marriage is a very modern one, dating back a couple of decades at best. So why has it become so gosh-darned important to gay men now?

There are a number of considerations:

Gay marriage as identity

Sometimes when one is denied something one has a vague inclination toward, the desire for that thing becomes more pronounced. If the reason why one cannot have it appears arbitrary or philosophical, this can accentuate both the desire and the stubbornness of refusing to take no for an answer. In extreme cases, it can escalate into full blown hysteria, in which one can sense nothing but an attack on one's sense of self-worth.

If you tie up your sense of self worth with a cause, whether it be gay marriage, the rights of asylum seekers, or the election of Barack Obama, then anything that threatens that cause is a serious blow to your self-esteem. Many gay marriage supporters have indeed tied their sense of self worth to their cause, so a rejection, however calm and rational, is a rejection of them as individuals. They lash out in response, describing disapproval as hate, or, more likely, “H8”.

Ironically if gay marriage is enshrined in law, many supporters may experience the same deflation and sense of emptiness that Obama’s supporters felt when he was elected. When you’ve defined yourself in terms of a fight for something, who are you when the fight is won?

Gay marriage as an exercise in power

Gays love power, possibly because they’re often excluded from traditional male expressions of it. There’s an element of “I am homo, hear me roar” in the calls of gay marriage. We can do and have whatever we want. We don't particularly want marriage, but we do know that you don't want us to have it... and if we force you to, then we prove that we are superior. We'll take a foundational part of your culture from you and screw around with it, and you'll be powerless to stop us. Eat that, bitches!

Gay marriage as a sign of tribal identification

Like many small and distinctive groups, gay culture is very homogenous, and highly intolerant of contradiction to internal popular opinion. This is understandable, since gays have to band together to protect themselves from the bigotry of the outside world. However this homogeneity can lead to certain ideas or philosophies becoming a lot more potent than they should be. To be pro gay marriage is to conspicuously identify yourself as part of the tribe. It may even inure you to criticism if you do something questionable - modern tribal cultures (for example evangelical christians, anti-war activists, or green groups) accept all sorts of awful behaviour from people, providing they parrot back a few important ideologies correctly.

Gay marriage as an elitist fashion statement

You may think I'm being facetious, but hear me out. According to the latest figures, only 6% of women who possess a four year university degree have a child outside of marriage. For women who failed to finish high school, the figure is 54%. Far from being the tool of male oppression as claimed by 1970s feminists, marriage is now a fairly powerful status indicator. The poor, the ignorant and the vulgar form common-law relationships… if they’re lucky. The clever, the rich and the classy get married.

This is not lost on gays, who regard being poor, ignorant and vulgar as worse than polyester. Gays are all about the icons of status, whether it be the Ben Sherman shirts, hybrid SUVs, Danish Modern furniture or the right brand of vodka. To be married is to claim membership in middle classes and up, which is exactly where most gay men want to be.

Now you may be thinking, "Gay men want to get married for the same reasons that straight people do - it's as simple as that!" But it isn't. Men and women are very different creatures. Take the woman (or the man) out of the equation of marriage and the thing is no longer marriage. Lacking one half of the biology, it's an entirely different dynamic. Pretending otherwise just drives the paradigm of marriage further into the mud.

You may also be thinking, "Marriage can be whatever I want it to be!" If so... I'm afraid I can't meaningfully respond to dim-witted, "all truth is relative" moral equivalency like that, so the argument must end there.