So on balance, we're equals.

Snooping around Scruff I came across a profile with this picture.

 The main thing that makes me feel inferior to this guy:

He's five years older than me but has the body of someone ten years younger and ten times hotter.

The main thing that makes me feel superior to this guy:

It's 2012... who the hell still uses a flip phone?

The end of a drought sometimes brings rain and gloom.

I've been feeling a bit down over the last week.

It started when I broke my three month sex drought the weekend before last. I went out on the Friday with a 28 year old travel agent, and there was instant chemistry between us. We kissed goodnight for a full five minutes in my car, and agreed to meet the next night for dinner. This we did, and we ended up back at my place by 9pm, kissing so passionately that my lips were badly chapped the next morning. He spent the night with me, we had breakfast together on Sunday morning, and over lingering kisses we eventually said goodbye.

To be brutally honest, the sex was lousy. He was a little sexually dysfunctional, which made it hard work to keep him erect amd virtually impossible to actually have sex. I eventually managed to blow him to orgasm - something I've never managed before - but other than that it was just stroking, kissing, sucking and caressing.

But he was very good at that. He's a natural cuddler; warm, affectionate and a good kisser. Plus he's sweet and adorably cute, and I genuinely like him.

However Sunday morning was the last I saw of him. Since then he's been busy every night I've suggested we go out again. And as of Friday, he's stopped responding to my texts.

The odd thing is that I had no sense that everything wasn't going well. He admitted that he almost never sleeps with someone on the second date, so I don't think he was just using me. My theory is that sometimes you get caught up in the moment and after a couple of days it dissipates and you think, "Wow, what just happened there? He's actually not what I want."

I was in this mindset when I went out to a concert on Friday with KCG and his boyfriend, and while it wasn't as hard as it sometimes is I still found it confronting. KCG has found someone who is attracted to him and to whom he's also attracted. If that weren't groundbreaking enough, they also appear to be in love.

How is that possible? How can two people not only be mutually attracted to each other, but also have that flower into love?

It must be possible, I guess, otherwise gay marriage wouldn't be such an issue and I wouldn't be tormented by gay couples making cow eyes at each other over cupcakes at the local cafe. But it's never happened to me so it's hard to believe that it really exists. I've never met someone to whom I was attracted who was also attracted to me. It's either me liking him and him rejecting me, or him liking me and me rejecting him, or, most often, mutual apathy.

And yet KCG has had it four times. HD has had it three times. Even my most desperate gay friends have at least one ex. 

In the meantime, I'm tortured by gorgeous guys like this glancing at me on Scruff, then shrugging and moving on.

So beautiful, and in an attainable way. But not for me. Sigh.

A change in paradigm.

It's been a couple of months since my last post, so I thought I'd write an update.

The big news is that, after eight or nine months of seeing my therapist, I've outed myself. I did it in the most distancing and controlled manner possible, via letter and email, which makes me a bit of a pathetic freak but nevertheless resulted in the least amount of anxiety, at least for me.

I started with letters to my family, then emails to my inner circle of friends, then emails to my outer circle of friends. The responses were a lot more positive than I expected: no one is exactly delighted, but they've all been encouraging and supportive and loving. Each stage was progressively easier, especially once I established a base level of support in what I call "old-growth relationships".

I am, frankly, surprised that people who always spoke snidely or with hostility about gays were so willing to accept me after I revealed myself to be one. I guess love does conquer prejudice after all. It's nice, if a little unexpected, to realise that my friends and family care so much about me. Perhaps because I've spent my entire life fighting or hiding the urge to love, I don't have much experience in seeing it freely expressed in relation to me.

Which brings me to a common mindset, which would be amusing if it hadn't been so destructive in my life. It was different each time, but generally it went a little something like this:

Person: Ugh, gays are so sick and disgusting. They won't be so gay when they're burning in Hell!

Me: I'm gay.

Person: OMG why have you waited so long to open up to me about this!?

Yes, why indeed?

My mother was the worst. When I spoke to her recently, she reminded me that she'd always told me that I could always talk to her and my father about anything. Yeah, I thought, and then you'd spit hatred at some gay character on TV... basically communicating that I could speak to you about anything EXCEPT THIS!

I didn't tell her that. It won't achieve anything and it would only damage the relationship.

So how has the outing affected me? Soon after I started my outing program, I had dinner with Mr Wednesday at a hip new deconstructionalist restaurant. As we were talking about some deep and emotional issues, he reached across the table and took my hands in his. After a few seconds I felt uncomfortable, but then I remembered, I'm out now. I don't have to worry about this getting back to anyone, because they already know. So we held hands for a while as we talked, witnessed only by our waiter, which didn't matter as he was gayer than both of us combined.

Ironically one thing it hasn't affected is my sex life. It's been something like three months since I got laid.