Friday, July 27, 2007

It needed to be said


I totally love this guy. Possibly because I'm not a fag hag.

Hi there. I am a gay man living in Los Angeles. Let me just say that I have many women friends. And I applaud the open-minded, progressive attitudes most straight women seem to have nowadays.

However, I have noticed that we've crossed over into a place where some women are just a little too comfortable with homosexuality. "Too much tolerance" you say? I'll explain.

Honestly, I am flattered when a woman says something along the lines of "you're cute. Too bad you're not straight." That's nice to hear. I'm not going into some PC tirade over a compliment. You know what though? I only need to hear it once. My friend's friend says it every time I see her. She does the rubbing my upper back back, hands in my hair shit. And you know what I want to say? "LISTEN. My being gay isn't the only reason it would never happen." Like, back the fuck up. And she's also volunteered to be my beard at events. "Great, we'll time travel to the 1950s when people in LA last did that."

I think "Will and Grace" has instructed an entire generation of women that gay men are dying - DYING! - to be your friend and indulge your every co-dependent and neurotic whim. We'll be there in a clinch with a "you go girl!" or "you look fierce!" Because we all love to say that stuff and many other quippy zingers.

...

As far as the shopping thing goes: I love saying "I'm not really into shopping" and I just stand back and wait for their heads to explode. Their precious "Will and Grace" never prepared them for that possibility!

...


Also, please refrain from referring to your gay friend as "my Will" or yourself as "Grace." That's totally queer. It was an okay show that's been off the air for over a year. Move on.

...

In closing, I am a friendly guy and like knowing people from all walks of life. But straight girls, just dial down the desperation level a couple of notches and find a more constructive way to deal with the void that the cancellation of "Sex and the City" has left in your life. (Full disclosure: I'm a total Miranda!) If we're meant to be friends, you'll let me breathe and know me for me, not as the hot urban accessory of the gay male friend. Thank you. I feel so much better.


It's a great man who can be so wise and yet so bitchy at the same time.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Gospel According to St. Doofus


People take their taglines on gaymatchmaker.com.au from a variety of sources - advertising catchphrases, movie dialogue, popular cliches or even Shakespeare.

However it takes a certain kind of man to quote The Bible in the tagline for his personal ad seeking casual gay sex... and a fellow named tristar is such a man:

Man can't live on bread alone.

Somehow I suspect that he might have misunderstood
the rest of the quote.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Humour versus Hotness

I'm really not very good at this whole gay thing.

I see photos like the ones below, taken from All Aussie Beef, and I know my first reaction is supposed to be to swoon over the model's youth and beauty and hotness. But my first reaction isn't that. My first reaction is to laugh.



Standard gay reaction: Ooh, check out those bedroom eyes.

My reaction: Is he smouldering, or has he just been whacked across the back of the head with a cricket bat?



Standard gay reaction: Hmmm... nice.

My reaction: Hello. I got dressed this morning by walking into my closet and jumping around for ten minutes.



Standard gay reaction: Ooh yeah!

My reaction: I see he has just as much trouble undressing as he does dressing.



Standard gay reaction: Oh baby!

My reaction: Grrr! Hulk hate tighty-whiteys! Hulk rip!


And then just when I start to think that maybe I must be straight after all, I see a photo like this:



And I'm so overwhelmed with hopeless, devastating lust that my higher brain functions shut down entirely, and the next thing I know I'm regaining consciousness, my tongue feels kinda dusty and my computer monitor has been licked clean.


So, yeah, I'm totally gay after all. Go figure.

Sorry, but dating someone young enough to be your kid is weird


Just under a year ago veteran Times journalist Matthew Parrish "married" Julian Glover, his boyfriend of eleven years, in a town hall in England.

There's nothing particularly remarkable about this - if an old feeb like Elton John can do it, so can anyone - but I was slightly taken aback by the age difference between Parrish, 57, and Glover, 35.

Twenty two years is a big difference... but I've noticed that cross-generational romances aren't uncommon in gay circles.

Personally I find it a little freaky. They started going out when Parrish was 46 and Glover was 24. If I think back to when I was 24, the idea of going out with a 46 year old would have been laughable, not to mention gross. Even at the age I am now it'd be a stretch.


What would they even have in common to talk about? I find it a little difficult talking to guys 10 years younger than me, never mind 22 years: I make an offhand allusion to the Ronald Reagan's jelly beans or witnessing Halley's Comet, and all I get in response is a politely baffled stare.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

A matter of perspective


This article in the Philadelphia Inquirer, 'Are Gays Icky?', is rather shallow and facetious but at its core it does recognise a certain truth that gays too easily forget.

That truth is that most straight men find the whole idea of homosexuality (and homosex specificially) disgusting. And this isn't necessarily due to any personal failing, or because straight men are homophobic per se.

It's simply that the idea of regarding another man with sexual desire is completely at odds with a straight man's core drives.

When a straight man considers a gay man, in an attempt to understand him, his first impulse is to put himself in the gay man's position, and "walk a mile in his shoes", as the saying goes. As a result, he asks himself, "What would my mindset need to be in order for me to want to have sex with another guy? What would I need to feel to make me want to do that?"

As a result, he comes up with the only reasons he can imagine for prefering men over women: catastrophic childhood sexual abuse, severe moral perversion, and so on. This is understandable, since these are the things that would need to happen to make HIM want to have sex with another man.

Unfortunately, that's not relevant. What's relevant is what makes A GAY MAN want to have sex with another man. And in this case, the reason is exactly the same as what makes a straight man want to have sex with a woman: natural drives.

So it's perfectly understandable that a straight man will find homosexuality disgusting, since catastrophic childhood sexual abuse and severe moral perversion are disgusting things. The only reasons they can imagine are negative ones, not because they're ignorant, but because their attempts at empathy are misguided. No straight man can, at his core, feel what it's like to be gay.


The somewhat counterintuitive upshot of this is that simple tolerance might be more important than empathy.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

More shaven headed goodness

I haven't got much goin' on at the moment.



Luis, on the other hand, has got it all goin' on at the moment.

Or at least at the moment when this photo was taken. Since then he may have lost a limb or something. Who knows?

We're better than this


I haven't spent much time logged in to gaymatchmaker.com.au in recent weeks. I created a profile there a couple of years ago in the hope that I might meet some interesting gay guys, but lately the place seems to be overrun with married men, who are basically trying to turn their lives into their own personal porn films. It seems that every second profile is "bisexual" or "bicurious", and on the lookout for a specific piece of hot dirty action.

I'm not at all au fait with the gay scene, but it seems to me that the gay guys who respond to these men are subjecting themselves to a kind of voluntary exploitation. They are making themselves into tools for someone else's self-gratification, not being complete, complex and dare I say proud individuals.

I'm not sure why I was put on this earth, but I'm pretty certain it wasn't to provide a passing, anonymous thrill to some married lowlife.