Dial M for Moping

The last couple of weeks have been an emotionally turbulent time for me.

I haven't so much as communicated with FHBG since the night we had sex, but frankly I'm okay with that. I also had a date last Thursday with an interesting guy, but more about that in a minute.

The turbulence arises with KCG. I've seen him on a few occasions, although he's been snowed under in his studies, so I haven't been demanding too much of his time. We went out to dinner, I made him dinner at my place, we had a coffee together. And every time I see him, I fall for him a little bit more. When I saw him yesterday afternoon the urge to a gather him in my arms and kiss him was so powerful that it almost made me giddy. Since then I've been moping about wondering how to go about making my feelings known without scaring him, freaking him, annoying him or generally messing our relationship up.

As for his feelings, who knows? He's not a demonstative person and he doesn't tend to take the initiative, so for all I know he could feel exactly the same way or not romantically interested at all.

I'm also trying very hard to discern the exact nature of my feelings. Am I latching onto him just because he's the first reasonably acceptable guy I've come across? And am I being realistic? He's a little out of my league. He's had three serious boyfriends before, and I've had zero, so he's probably a bit choosier than me. I find myself wishing that I knew more about his ex so that I could judge how I measure up against him, to see if I have even a remote chance.

And it occurs to me that this is a huge gulf between us. He mentioned, in passing, that a year ago he and his ex had gone to his sister's wedding, and it struck me that I've never been to a wedding with anyone. It must be fun, not to mention romantic, to go to a wedding as part of a couple. I've always gone to weddings by myself or with my family. And there's the issue: he's done the holidays together, going to weddings together, waking up in the morning together thing... and I haven't. I'm so literally retarded, in a romantic sense, that I've never done a lot of the most basic activities that even casual couples do. Why would he want a retard like me?

Why would anyone? Indeed, would I myself want someone like me?

So while I was wallowing in self-doubt and recrimination, I was contacted by a guy on gaydar who, after a few message exchanges, asked me out for coffee. I'm still not quite sure why. He's a very good looking, awesomely fit, larger-than-life human dynamo. I'm a lazy, flabby, uncoordinated idler who prefers to think, observe and discuss rather than "do". So I'm not seeing that we have a lot in common. However we had a good chat and a laugh over drinks in a suburban cafe, and after I texted him the next morning to give him the appropriate "thanks for a nice time, great to meet you" line, he texted me back to tell me that I was funny, cute and smart and he'd really like to see me again. So there you go. Apparently I can make a good impression occasionally. I don't see much of a future in it, but I may as well enjoy it while it lasts.

The ironic thing is that it turns out KCG went out with him, twice, a few weeks ago. They didn't click, but this kind of spoils things for me. I suppose every halfway presentable gay man in this city has, at some point, dated at least one of the gay guys I know. Still, I don't want to have that shoved in my face.

There's a reason why "hook up" and "hooker" have the same root

On Monday night FHBG and I got our schedules aligned and hooked up at his place. While it wasn't quite what I'd had in mind, what it lacked in romance it made up for in hot, heavy action.

I stand by my earlier assessment of FHBG as a sweet and good-natured person. However he is also promiscuous, amoral and fairly shallow. The majority of his partners are married men cheating on their wives, or couples wanting some extra action. He's no stranger to the threeway or the sex party. The idea of going for two and a half years without penetrative sex, as I have since parting ways with BN2, was baffling to him. "Why didn't you just go on gaydar and find someone?" he asked, as if the personal qualities of the various men there had no bearing on the issue.

I'm not drawing from a vast reservoir of experience, but the sex was good. He wasn't up for any repeat performances, but his one showing was a good, long, hard shag. The best compliment he offered was to appreciatively moan, halfway through, "What stupid fuck let you go?" It occured to me that the lack of claim on me is mostly my own fault, but I was too busy trying to brace myself against the headboard to say anything coherent.

The telling part of any sexual encounter is in the aftermath, and so it was with us. We chatted and nuzzled for a while, naked on his bed, but I noticed that he was looking at the ceiling rather than me.

After sex there's three basic modes of expression. There's Hostile, which is the scenario in which your partner makes it quite clear he wants you gone right now. There's Affection, which is the lying together all night scenario. Then somewhere between the two there's Mild Embarassment. Suddenly being naked, sweaty and spent with another person seems odd, and rather off-putting. He's too polite, or relaxed, or grateful to want you gone, but then the absurdity and awkwardness of having had such intimacy with a virtual stranger is still there.

When I had sex with BN2 he always wanted me to stay around and spend the night with him, so there was genuine affection there. With FHBG, there was the sense that a mutual itch had been scratched. As I was driving home I almost felt like a hooker who wasn't getting paid. So while I wouldn't be averse to another good, long, hard shag with FHBG, I'm not in any hurry.

All of this reinforces what I already knew: I want sex to be a natural extension of the meaningful relationship I have with another man, not the core of that relationship. Now I just have to find a meaningful relationship with another man.

Diet Angst is even more pathetic than Diet Coke

I had a couple of drinks last night at the pub with KCG, and it made me realise that our immediate future isn't rosy. He's friendly enough, but his position appears to be something like this: "You're a nice guy. Not really what I'm looking for, but hey, I don't see the harm in letting you hang around. On the periphery."

This isn't the absolutely worst thing that could have happened - that would be if he decided he never wanted to see me again - but it's not far off the bottom of the list of preferable outcomes. I accept that I'm unlikely to be able to have a romantic relationship with KCG, but my sights are aimed lower than that. KCG's wider social circle seems to include the kind of thoughtful, accepting, good-hearted gay men I want to know but have been unable to find on my own, and it seems logical that there'd be potential for meeting someone suitable for me in their ranks. For example when he described the ex with whom he parted ways earlier this year ("attractive, deep, caring, intelligent"), it took all of my self-control not to blurt out, "Well if you're finished with him, can I have his phone number?"

Unfortunately KCG is a bit of an introvert, and apparently not given to hosting dinner parties or gatherings at which I might meet any of these wonderful men. I find myself tantalisingly close to a paradise of possibility, but I can't quite reach it. The only course of action at the moment appears to be one of patience: eventually he'll slip up and actually introduce me to somebody. I just have to not come on too strong and freak him out with my neediness before that.

And that's how pathetic I am. Normal gay men get themselves worked up over a guy they love who only wants to be their friend. I get myself worked up over a guy I like who only wants to be an acquaintance. It's like romantic angst with only half the calories.