Just lately I've had a lot of interest on Scruff from partnered guys. This, as you might imagine, is not good. It basically rubs my nose in the fact that my life, which appears perfectly adequate a lot of the time, would be an utterly unacceptable shitheap for most gay guys.
I generally still chat with the partnered guys, because I have a complicated fantasy that we might become social, I might be invited to their parties, they might introduce me to their single friends, and I might meet someone. Yes, it's farfetched, but it could happen! And let's face it, I don't have a wealth of options.
And so I chatted with this one. After we'd chatted back and forth for a few hours, I decided I needed to go to bed, and he declared he was going to "have a wank."
It made me feel dizzy. Can you even conceive of the unfettered luxury of having a good-looking, horny man crawling into your bed and nuzzling you awake, wanting to have his way with you?
Of course you can. I'm guessing you're a normal gay man, with a long-term boyfriend. But to me it's an astonishing fantasy. The idea of this scenario being so commonplace that you'd actually prefer to sleep is so foreign to me that it seems implausible. I literally can't imagine it. It's (apparently) a common situation, and I can't even picture it, let alone experience it!
In fact, if you'll recall, it's a significant factor in the reason why Mr Singular and I fell apart. I was thrilled at the idea of sleeping with him. I counted the days until we could do it. He was so used to it that thought it less important than getting drunk with his cousins. When our attitudes collided it all blew up.
Then last night and today I spoke with a cute young guy who'd met his partner within a week of moving to this country, and has been with him for the three years since then. He's only online to chat, to ogle, and to organise the occasional threeway with his partner.
And this makes me swing between depression and rage. I 've been looking for a boy friend, any boyfriend, even a crap boyfriend for five years and the closest I've come is three weeks of a sort of pre-boyfriendom state with Mr Singular. He's in this country for SEVEN FUCKING DAYS AND HE FINDS HIS FUCKING SOULMATE!
Is there a Complaints Desk for this whole gay relationship thing? There appear to be equity issues here.
