Nothing hurts like discovering that you're not happy, you're just a fool.‏

Yesterday KCG and I went hiking in the hills outside the city. It was a gruelling 9 hour, 28km trek but the scenery was spectacular and we both had a sense of achievement in completing it.

On the way back to the city around 9 - 10pm, I observed that KCG was brighter and chirpier than he usually is, singing along with the radio and hilariously shouting over-the-top abuse at the road workers who kept us sitting at a set of lights for several minutes. This is great, I thought. We've had a fun day, just the two of us for nearly 12 hours. We've bonded. We're becoming better friends. This is cool. Maybe you don't need to have a boyfriend to be successful in this world after all. I'm fun in my own right and people have fun when they're with me. I make people's lives better, just as they improve mine!

But no. It turns out that the truth was the complete and utter opposite.

I discovered later, quite by accident, that while we were hiking KCG had arranged by text to hook up with his new boyfriend late that evening, but hadn't told me. He wasn't in a bright and happy mood because we were at the end of a good day together, but because he was on the cusp of a great night with his lover. He wasn't pretending to be upset at the road workers holding us up - he was frustrated that every minute on the road was one he wasn't spending with his guy. And I hadn't made his day better - I was an obligation to finish up ASAP before the best part of his day could begin.

The worst part was the way that I found out. KCG didn't mention his plans - I assumed that like me he was going home to simply shower off the sweat and grime and rest his aching muscles. But after he dropped me off, I discovered that on our hike we had both acquired a bunch of ticks. I carefully tweezered off the ones of my legs and thighs, but there was one right in the centre of my back that I couldn't possibly reach. I couldn't leave it there until the morning, and it was nearly 11pm so most of my friends were out or asleep. But I knew that KCG would still be up, so I rang him, explained the situation and asked if I could drive over to his place (a 20 minute trip) and get him to tweezer it off. I vaguely noticed that he seemed put out on the phone, but I assumed it had something to do with the late hour.

Of course when I eventually got to his house I saw the strange car in the driveway, and I put two and two together quickly. He let me in and introduced me to his new man. The awkwardness hung in the air. It was clear that they'd been planning to get their boyfriend thing on and I was holding up proceedings. KCG got the tick off my back, and I left, being there all of two minutes.

So here was I; the weird, awkward loser friend who drives halfway across the city late at night to get a tick removed, and there was them; cool, good-looking young gay men in the most intoxicating stage of their relationship, about to do the sorts of things that normal, horny adults do, interrupted and having to patiently deal with the weirdo. KCG didn't have to go anywhere to get any unreachable ticks removed - he had a hot new boyfriend who had come around to do it... and a lot more besides.

Far from me not needing a boyfriend to be successful in this world, KCG's example was a harsh reminder than you really are nobody until somebody loves you. You can't even elegantly deal with a tick without someone special in your life.

Of course KCG did nothing wrong. He did everything that a good friend should do. I just misinterpreted his happiness as something that I'd contributed to, and when I found out the awful, opposite truth, I felt my sense of self worth get crushed like an empty aluminium can rolling along the freeway.