Riding the World's Worst Rollercoaster.

Following the events mentioned in my previous post, last week was mostly bad for me: a rollercoaster that spent a lot of time in the pits of despair with occasional lifts up into basic normalcy.

But I'd mostly recovered by Sunday, thanks to a couple of occurances. On Friday evening I had dinner with KCG at the same smart restaurant I took him to for his birthday last year... only this time he was paying. I didn't mention that he'd been the trigger for my depression, but I shared that I'd been low and from his attitude and body language I realised that my distress on Saturday night wasn't as well founded as I'd thought: perhaps we really have bonded and grown closer over the last few months. He was caring and attentive, and when we went our separate ways around 11pm he gave me a long, lingering hug that made me feel better than I had for several days.

Then on Sunday I went for a pleasant evening walk with a guy I went out with a few months ago. He's from one of those passionate, impulsive middle eastern cultures, and although it's clear that we're not going anywhere romantically the first thing he did when he saw me was to grab me and kiss me intensely. We went for our walk, came back, had a drink and kissed again. When it came time to leave, as he walked out the door he grabbed my hand with both of his and tenderly kissed the back of it, in a gesture so sweet and courtly that it melted even my cold heart. We're not compatible, and we both know it, but hey, it's nice to be wanted.

The biggest mood lift came early this week, however. On Monday evening I started chatting with a guy on Manhunt, which moved on to texting, then on to a phone call. He was young, good-looking, intelligent and unusually interesting. So we arranged to go on a date on Wednesday night to a cool neighbourhood bar. In real life he was chunkier than in his pictures, but in an attractive, bearish way. He was wearing one of those T-shirts with a buttoned opening between the midpoint of his chest and his throat, and whether intentionally or not he'd left them all undone. The glimpse of his hairy chest through the gap was the sexiest thing I'd seen in a long time. The conversation was a little stilted at first but we kept at it, and it got better, especially after a couple of drinks. It started to rain, and we had to move from our big balcony table to a couple of chairs in a tight space under the awning. The space was so cramped that our legs were nearly entwined, and it was then that I started getting The Vibe from him.

We agreed to see each other again on Friday, and when we left a little while later (I had a previous engagement I had to get to), I gave him a little peck on the lips and a hug as I got into my car. Even as I did it, it felt a bit lame. As he lumbered off to his own car, I sent him this text:

I hate the awkwardness of the first date goodnight kiss.

Glad we did though.

Then I drove away. Down the street. Onto the main road. Through the shopping precinct. Left into another road. Up onto the freeway. Through the city centre. Over the bridge leading to the southern suburbs. All the while glancing at my phone sitting silent and dead on the passenger seat.

Oh crap. I thought. I've screwed it up yet again. Scared off yet another guy with my gaucherie and cluelessness. When will I fucking learn?

Then my phone trilled and lit up. Despite the fact that I was driving in the rain at 100kph, I tapped the message open. Yeah me too. Really wanted to pash you at the bar though...

To call what I felt relief would have been like calling a tsunami a gentle ripple.

That would have just made that ugly bartender jealous... I tapped back, once I'd reached my destination and could do it safely.

Him: Ah who cares, let him be jealous. I would have felt better. Trying to think what we should do on Friday...

Me: Frankly I like your pashing idea, but I suppose we need a more formal anchor event :-)

Him: I like my pashing idea too; even more now that I know you like it.

Wow. Note to self: do NOT fuck this up.