It's been a couple of months since my last post, so I thought I'd write an update.
The big news is that, after eight or nine months of seeing my therapist, I've outed myself. I did it in the most distancing and controlled manner possible, via letter and email, which makes me a bit of a pathetic freak but nevertheless resulted in the least amount of anxiety, at least for me.
I started with letters to my family, then emails to my inner circle of friends, then emails to my outer circle of friends. The responses were a lot more positive than I expected: no one is exactly delighted, but they've all been encouraging and supportive and loving. Each stage was progressively easier, especially once I established a base level of support in what I call "old-growth relationships".
I am, frankly, surprised that people who always spoke snidely or with hostility about gays were so willing to accept me after I revealed myself to be one. I guess love does conquer prejudice after all. It's nice, if a little unexpected, to realise that my friends and family care so much about me. Perhaps because I've spent my entire life fighting or hiding the urge to love, I don't have much experience in seeing it freely expressed in relation to me.
Which brings me to a common mindset, which would be amusing if it hadn't been so destructive in my life. It was different each time, but generally it went a little something like this:
Person: Ugh, gays are so sick and disgusting. They won't be so gay when they're burning in Hell!
Me: I'm gay.
Person: OMG why have you waited so long to open up to me about this!?
Yes, why indeed?
My mother was the worst. When I spoke to her recently, she reminded me that she'd always told me that I could always talk to her and my father about anything. Yeah, I thought, and then you'd spit hatred at some gay character on TV... basically communicating that I could speak to you about anything EXCEPT THIS!
I didn't tell her that. It won't achieve anything and it would only damage the relationship.
So how has the outing affected me? Soon after I started my outing program, I had dinner with Mr Wednesday at a hip new deconstructionalist restaurant. As we were talking about some deep and emotional issues, he reached across the table and took my hands in his. After a few seconds I felt uncomfortable, but then I remembered, I'm out now. I don't have to worry about this getting back to anyone, because they already know. So we held hands for a while as we talked, witnessed only by our waiter, which didn't matter as he was gayer than both of us combined.
Ironically one thing it hasn't affected is my sex life. It's been something like three months since I got laid.
The big news is that, after eight or nine months of seeing my therapist, I've outed myself. I did it in the most distancing and controlled manner possible, via letter and email, which makes me a bit of a pathetic freak but nevertheless resulted in the least amount of anxiety, at least for me.
I started with letters to my family, then emails to my inner circle of friends, then emails to my outer circle of friends. The responses were a lot more positive than I expected: no one is exactly delighted, but they've all been encouraging and supportive and loving. Each stage was progressively easier, especially once I established a base level of support in what I call "old-growth relationships".
I am, frankly, surprised that people who always spoke snidely or with hostility about gays were so willing to accept me after I revealed myself to be one. I guess love does conquer prejudice after all. It's nice, if a little unexpected, to realise that my friends and family care so much about me. Perhaps because I've spent my entire life fighting or hiding the urge to love, I don't have much experience in seeing it freely expressed in relation to me.
Which brings me to a common mindset, which would be amusing if it hadn't been so destructive in my life. It was different each time, but generally it went a little something like this:
Person: Ugh, gays are so sick and disgusting. They won't be so gay when they're burning in Hell!
Me: I'm gay.
Person: OMG why have you waited so long to open up to me about this!?
Yes, why indeed?
My mother was the worst. When I spoke to her recently, she reminded me that she'd always told me that I could always talk to her and my father about anything. Yeah, I thought, and then you'd spit hatred at some gay character on TV... basically communicating that I could speak to you about anything EXCEPT THIS!
I didn't tell her that. It won't achieve anything and it would only damage the relationship.
So how has the outing affected me? Soon after I started my outing program, I had dinner with Mr Wednesday at a hip new deconstructionalist restaurant. As we were talking about some deep and emotional issues, he reached across the table and took my hands in his. After a few seconds I felt uncomfortable, but then I remembered, I'm out now. I don't have to worry about this getting back to anyone, because they already know. So we held hands for a while as we talked, witnessed only by our waiter, which didn't matter as he was gayer than both of us combined.
Ironically one thing it hasn't affected is my sex life. It's been something like three months since I got laid.
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