Monday, April 30, 2007

What makes a man gay?

What makes a man gay? Part of the reason why I started taking a few little peeks outside my closet was to learn more in an attempt to answer this question.

As an introduction, I like the metaphor that homosexuality is like coughing - one cough sounds a lot like any other, but the causes can be many and varied. You might cough because you're in a dusty room, or because you have a cold, or because you have tuberculosis, or perhaps just because you want to catch someone's attention. It's not a disease in itself, but a symptom of something else.

Similarly, all homosexual activity may look the same on the surface, but the root causes differ wildly. Some men have sex with other men because their sexual identity was screwed up by some trauma in their childhood. Some men have sex with other men because they're locked away with no female company and their sex drive overwhelms their natural inclinations. Some men have sex with other men to assert their power and dominance over them. And some men have sex with other men because they're perverts who will do anything (and I mean DO anything) to get a new kick. None of these men are really homosexuals in the pure sense... although ironically they're getting more action than me (Bastards!).

And then there are men like me, who are sexually attracted to other men for reasons that aren't really understood and don't fit into any of the catagories above. The only theory that seems to mesh with my own experience is the theory that a man is made gay in uetero, possibly by his mother's body rejecting the alien rush of testosterone being injected into the embryo. As a result, a part of the male feotus' brain that controls sexual attraction remains in a default female state, while all around it other parts of the brain and body develop normally as male.

Of course, this basic flaw in the architecture of the brain has a cascading effect throughout the whole structure, both of the brain itself and the psychology that grows from it. The brain struggles to accomodate the conflicting drives, trying to reconcile within itself a male identity and a contradictory male sexual attraction.

Thus gay men aren't screwed up because a homophobic society detests them (although I'm sure that hasn't helped). Gay men are screwed up because they're screwed up. At the very core of their idenity there is a basic contradiction, and although the brain finds ingenious ways to live with it, it's always there, and we are incapable of finding a sense of "rightness" in ourselves because of it. I'm yet to meet a gay man with a calm, sane, sensible relationship with himself, even though I meet men like that all the time in the straight world. Society can endorse male homosexuality all it wants, but gay men will always have to live with, and be tortured by, this deep, intrinsic sense of wrongness.

You may think, "That sounds tragic!", to which I would reply "Well duh." Life is tragedy, and we all have to get along with it the best we can. Conversely, you may think, "You're just a self-loathing closet case who needs to get some PRIDE!", to which I would reply "Bite me."

This in uetero theory of homosexuality has a lot of repercussions in behaviour, morality and psychology, but unless I want to make this post longer than a John Grisham novel (which I don't), I'll deal with them at a later date.

But I don't want to end on a downer, so here's a picture of a bunny.


Anonymous said...

thanks for the run down on that it has helped me understand a litle more about my nephew being gay.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for that forensic assessment of what makes a man (or woman) gay. You obviously dont get out often enough to of met the happier/gay men out there...they do exist and are generally sane, pleasent, happy people to be around. I have yet to have a day where every single straight person I encounter is balanced, sane, happy and easy going. Such is life!

Kwinten Meerts said...

Hi. I read your post and it seems you're having a bit of trouble with yourself. As the previous poster stated, not all gays are uncomfortable with their sexuality or themselves. I, for one, am a bisexual (which, in my opinion, means "double the trouble"!) and I'm as comfortable as a baby in his mother's lap, and as happy as a Jamaican on a sunny day.

You shouldn't assume all gays are uncomfy with themself just because you might be. You should be happy for yourself. You've been given a new way of looking at things! You're part of a group of people, who are open-minded, accepting towards all, and eager to spread love!

You should never be uncomfortable with your sexuality because you think it's not normal. The fact that being straight = being "normal", has nothing to do with what's natural, but we're just convinced of these facts because they are being reinforced by the narrow-minded raising of the children of our nation. There is nothing unnatural about being gay, they just want you to believe so!

My final statement: If being gay is wrong, hell, I don't want to be right!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this information but for me being gay is unatural and i will never condone that kind of lifestyle....!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this insight.
I'm grateful that you have disregarded the homosexuals too proud of themselves to admit that they are actually irrational people.

I have had male attractions all my life but also female attractions. I have always felt wrong and it is this sense of rightness that I seek. When I am attracted to women I feel right.

This is something that many gay men never experience. Indeed, I never knew it until I experienced it at the age of 19.

Gay people who have never felt what it is like to be attracted to a women think that they are normal, fine, happy, sensible, acceptable people. They don't know however that they are living in a dream world. Straight people find them ridiculous and they will never be respected because they don't fit into the real world.

Thank you for bringing this up. I hope that there is something you can do to change this chemical imbalance. The question is how? If it is purely chemical/biological surely theres a cure. I would take that cure in a flash and have always thought the same. Being gay is no life, not for me. I have never been happy except when I am attracted to girls. Trust me gay guys, you have no idea. You may say that you are proud and happy but you know that deep down inside you're not right. If you were straight you would find everything you have ever lacked in life. This is what this article is saying and I know because I've been there.

For those who say 'woh man you obviously have issues.' Correct. I do. This is the argument of this article. You can say I'm suppressing my homosexuality but I can say that you're suppressing your issues too by pretending to be fine. I'm not afraid to say that I'm not comfortable. Thats not homophobic, its just the truth.

For those who say 'just accept that you're gay.' - Bad idea. Change is possible and its not a bad thing to admit that you want to.

GTR said...

I rather peversely love the fact that everyone who comments on this post more or less ignores my central point but uses it as a springboard to espouse whatever it is they believe.

It all goes to show that discussions about homosexuality tend to be recitations of dogma rather than logical arguments.

Anonymous said...

Umm Hi i am a gay male I agree with you completely actually...the thing is that I dont want other people thinking is no I dont hate my self but i admit that something is wrong..I can see and feel it...just like other people with diseases feel I cant imagine my life if I wasnt gay It is a factor of who I am today...and I believe that by being positive theres alot of amazing things to learn from being gay (how people argue in a weird way as you previously mentioned before :P!)...Just as there is from any given circumstances..You can choose to admit that you are different and I will work that the best I can and you can choose to just be stubborn and idealistic about how life is.

For the straights the last thing any kind of gay person no matter what his opinion is, is for you to use any kind of info as a way of backing up how messed up we are THANK you very much but unless you have some sort of glimmering idea of what Gays go the normals should support us!? and give us some latitude..but then again One can only ask God for any kind of Grace.


Anonymous said...

Point 1. God made that place for removal of human feces/waste and then sanatation to stop spread of disease due to human feces so it def. unnatural act.

Point 2. Over-bearing unfullfilled Mother and distant father is the real reason men get their love knots tied the wrong way.

Point 3. It's basically a very deep-rooted defense mechanisim just like alcholism/a flight from pain/defense from pain etc. god I shop to comfort/distract/cover up my anxity myself so being gay is a problem and I sympathise and god love's you and help you live/over-come etc. But I hate the gay culture forcing us to believe that is normal sorry its not normal and it is wrong to touch another man like that or woman for that matter.

Read excerpt from book the Primal Scream or go to google Hope for Heart & call June Hunt and it will help you accept life/live life with all its sorrows and joys and it still a beautiful place. I am straight but have my cross to carry too. But a clear conscience is a joy to have. And god love us so deeply.

GTR said...

To quote Buzz Lightyear: "You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity."

Anonymous said...

I do like the bunny :)

(and yes I am gay!)

Anonymous said...

Since we can't change it , we'd better accept it!!! I would rather be a str8 man but nobody asked me!!!

Anonymous said...

If a guy gives another guy a bj would both of them be gay or just the guy that gave the bj?

Anonymous said...

So then, if what you say is true, then the answer is simple. All a gay person needs to do is get testosterone injections until their testosterone levels are up to normal male standards.

Then a gay man will turn straight, or at least bi to where he can actually be turned on by a woman...the type of being their bodies are designed for...not other men.

GTR said...

That's like saying that, if you forget to add sugar to feed the yeast when brewing beer, you can fix it by throwing a couple of sugar cubes in the final product.

Or, for those not alcoholically inclined, it's like saying that, if you forget to add the flour when baking a cake, you can just sprinkle it over the top when it comes out of the oven.

John Kindle said...

How old are you? Im guessing you are over 18? This is sad.

Come out of the closet. You will be happier.

Your lack of self esteem is astounding. You exhibit signs of emotional trauma, depression, self-loathing, and a wholesome portrayal of someone blaming the world. Bleak minds don't get brighter with continued rejection of self-worth. Grow up and be a man...

You are one of the reasons why people continue to consider homosexuality a pathology. Did you just reduced homosexuality to a basic flaw in utero? (Did you finish high school?-your level of reasoning is somewhat kindergarten). You've painted a very negative picture of being gay...even reduced it to being a pathology. Not sure if this is a reflection of a darker past that you are not discussing. There are a plethora of issues that I can identify from your post but honestly, you are not worth it.

I was born this way and I'll never change anything. If certain gay men have an innate sense of "wrongness", perharps it is a result of the societal rejection and branding that being heterosexual is the moral right. It is not.

I encourage you to live up to the expectations that YOU should achieve. Come out. Meet a man elsewhere other than the backroom of a bar or online. Cultivate a healthy relationship (healthy does not mean boring) and build a family is that is what you want. Otherwise, you are going to live a very bitter life and die unhappy.

PS: I am a young gay physician and happily in a long term relationship with my partner. You should help me shop for a ring for him if you are talented in that area...oh wait, you assume all gay men are fashion hogs? I forgot, you lack some insight...

GTR said...

Well John, you certainly have the arrogance part of being a doctor well sorted. Now you just need to work on your bedside manner.

If you haven't already (and I'm guessing, from your blithe imperiousness, that you haven't), you should read Dr Simon LeVay's 'Gay, Straight and the Reasons Why'. He and I are basically on the same page.

Anonymous said...

...kindly does bring up some important points.

Putting things in perpective, he is in a committed relationship, sounds happy and is professionally successful. Plus...a lotta self esteem. On the other hand, while you seem like you are happy doing whatever you do, you are older, still sleeping around and well, still sleeping around...

Just saying...

Anonymous said...

you are absolutely fucking retarded.

GTR said...

Nice counter argument, dude.

Anonymous said...

tnx it really help me realize that there is still worth living 4. being gay is rough because everyday in our lives we are always been tortured through harsh words and actions. well sometimes i wish i wasnt born at there were times that i was thinking of suicide , well what life is really rough when ur in the different gender thx 4 ur post

Anonymous said...

This is such a beautiful post. I'm a woman and gender and sexuality have always been a mystery to me. Given my own life and gender crisis from a very young age, this topic has fascinated me since i was a young child. Everything that you said makes sense, but I stumbled across a few more possible explanations that are sort of...metaphysical. Given the dualistic structure of our world, both physically and psychically, i think that one of the purposes of life is to attain balance. I think sexuality is one of the paths to this balance. Our society has evolved to think that masculine men and feminine women are the ideal. I never fully resonated with that. What if some Beings are innately called to merge both the male and feminine within. We don't always succeed, some of us end of on one extreme, some of us on the other, but those who do succeed may achieve the Shiva/Shakti status spoken about in ancient Hindu Mythology, the Divine Hermaphordite, if you will. Plato called it two Soul Mates that were split in two and spent the rest of their existence trying to find one another... Whatever metaphor or myth we want to use here, what if there is a Higher Order, beyond the genes and beyond the body, that is striving to find balance in this space and time within a human body? And as if strives to find a collective balance, individual Souls are born within all colors of the spectrum?

I don't know... Maybe it's just me trying to understand myself better and the mysteries in my own life neither science or religion have yet explained. I would not consider myself gay, but I would not consider myself straight either. I wouldn't even consider myself bisexual. With all the infinite possibilities in the universe, who knows what a person could fall in love with? So having said that, I love your perspective, I support science, in this and in so much more, but I also think that there are more details beyond our current comprehension influence sexuality, the human psyche, the mysteries of quantum physics, etc.

Although, from a dualistic perspective where opposites come together in one on one interactions, it may seem as if homosexuality is a flaw... But on a higher collective level it may just be humanity trying to bring balance back into both genders. In other words, for men to gain more sensitivity and gentleness, and women to get stronger and more independent. Masculine men and feminine women may need to be brought back to the center again, and homosexuality may be an attempt to do this. Most of my male friends are gay and I find them to be the most manly men I have ever met; men who make loving partners, amazing fathers, passionate artists and creators... They are some of the most beautiful beings I have ever met, and I hope that they find peace and joy in the roles that they have to play on this planet.

Blessings, the bunny was perfect

Anonymous said...

Dear are 100% right. I agree with you totally! I know a gay man that is messed up and your description is exactly on point. I wish my friend could get help. He is a nice guy, but admits himself he has issues. He drinks, smokes weed, way to much for a 44 yr. old male. Don't know enough about his childhood, but I know he has an uncle that is gay and my friend completly avoids him. I am suspcious that maybe he has been molested earlier in his life by his uncle, but I would'nt dare bring up that subject with him. Don't know him well enough to do that.

Thing is he was with several women at one point in his life. He has made comments regarding finding women attractive. Also said, women made him gay which I don't believe. Currently, he has a boyfriend and was with another man for 17 yrs. I know for a fact his current relationship is not a real happy one. Also, my friend has a reputation for going for older men like 65 and up. Sounds like he's seeking a father figure to me!

Anyway, feel free to give your comments.

Anonymous said...

A difficult question with a lot of viewpoints. Interesting nonetheless, but always short of complete truth. We're talking about people with lifelong histories of living in their own particular bodies, minds and social circumstances, which have led them to a great number of complex life events.

The possibilities are endless with a a discussions of human sexuality, and more generally, what motivates a person towards anything that ultimately creates unique social relationships.

We're all shooting in the dark regarding reality.

I'm not sure that I'm straight or gay or anywhere inbetween, but I've had close psychological and physical relationships with both men and women, and maybe people in-between. There are things that will never be crystal clear. It's the nature of life.

Anonymous said...

i neva had problem with gay niggers as human one thing i hate about them is the fact dat dey r so desparate for a dick dat dey evn prey on ppl hu take dem jst as frnds dat is craze.

Anonymous said...

i totally agree also, I was molested by a couple of men in the family from the time I was 12 until I was 18 so the only sex I ever knew was with another man, I am 47 now and i did get married in 1988 and had no problems for a while, but then all the old feelings came flooding in and now I really crave having a man and wish that I could find the right one.

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