Dial M for Moping

The last couple of weeks have been an emotionally turbulent time for me.

I haven't so much as communicated with FHBG since the night we had sex, but frankly I'm okay with that. I also had a date last Thursday with an interesting guy, but more about that in a minute.

The turbulence arises with KCG. I've seen him on a few occasions, although he's been snowed under in his studies, so I haven't been demanding too much of his time. We went out to dinner, I made him dinner at my place, we had a coffee together. And every time I see him, I fall for him a little bit more. When I saw him yesterday afternoon the urge to a gather him in my arms and kiss him was so powerful that it almost made me giddy. Since then I've been moping about wondering how to go about making my feelings known without scaring him, freaking him, annoying him or generally messing our relationship up.

As for his feelings, who knows? He's not a demonstative person and he doesn't tend to take the initiative, so for all I know he could feel exactly the same way or not romantically interested at all.

I'm also trying very hard to discern the exact nature of my feelings. Am I latching onto him just because he's the first reasonably acceptable guy I've come across? And am I being realistic? He's a little out of my league. He's had three serious boyfriends before, and I've had zero, so he's probably a bit choosier than me. I find myself wishing that I knew more about his ex so that I could judge how I measure up against him, to see if I have even a remote chance.

And it occurs to me that this is a huge gulf between us. He mentioned, in passing, that a year ago he and his ex had gone to his sister's wedding, and it struck me that I've never been to a wedding with anyone. It must be fun, not to mention romantic, to go to a wedding as part of a couple. I've always gone to weddings by myself or with my family. And there's the issue: he's done the holidays together, going to weddings together, waking up in the morning together thing... and I haven't. I'm so literally retarded, in a romantic sense, that I've never done a lot of the most basic activities that even casual couples do. Why would he want a retard like me?

Why would anyone? Indeed, would I myself want someone like me?

So while I was wallowing in self-doubt and recrimination, I was contacted by a guy on gaydar who, after a few message exchanges, asked me out for coffee. I'm still not quite sure why. He's a very good looking, awesomely fit, larger-than-life human dynamo. I'm a lazy, flabby, uncoordinated idler who prefers to think, observe and discuss rather than "do". So I'm not seeing that we have a lot in common. However we had a good chat and a laugh over drinks in a suburban cafe, and after I texted him the next morning to give him the appropriate "thanks for a nice time, great to meet you" line, he texted me back to tell me that I was funny, cute and smart and he'd really like to see me again. So there you go. Apparently I can make a good impression occasionally. I don't see much of a future in it, but I may as well enjoy it while it lasts.

The ironic thing is that it turns out KCG went out with him, twice, a few weeks ago. They didn't click, but this kind of spoils things for me. I suppose every halfway presentable gay man in this city has, at some point, dated at least one of the gay guys I know. Still, I don't want to have that shoved in my face.