The despair of a relationship in a straitjacket.

My mouth is still a wretched place inhabited only by the herpes simplex virus and my own sense of despair. It's healing, but I think it's still infectious.

It's only been ten days since I had sex with Mr Singular, but it feels like a month. I've seen him three times, including last Saturday night, and we couldn't do anything racier than hug and watch Will & Grace.

Sure, you could argue that we could have jerked each other off, or something similar... but this isn't about getting off. This is about intimacy and connection, and the natural expression of the attraction we feel for each other. We can't be close to each other in the way that we want to be.

I'm still finding it hard to read this whole relationship. On Saturday night Mr Singular seemed a little bit distant in some ways. When I wrapped my arms around him he responded, but he didn't initiate any contact. He fell asleep lying on top of me in front of the TV, then stumbled off to bed with a mutter that he couldn't stay awake.

Okay, I thought. Maybe this isn't as profound a relationship as I thought. He's happy to have me around and even happier to fuck me, but he's not going to make any effort to make me happy in return. Perhaps he's realising that I'm not going to be anything special.

But then all through Sunday and today he was texting and emailing, telling me how much he missed me, and being romantic and affectionate. "I'm watching people kissing on TV and thinking, 'I can't wait to kiss my man again...'", he wrote at one point, and I thought, "So you're thinking of me as your man, then?" When I admitted to feeling flat, he asked if it was anything he'd done, or if there was anything he could do to make me feel better.

Then when I spent Tuesday evening with Mr Singular, everything was peachy. When I was standing at the stove stirring a pot he came up behind me, wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled my neck. When we were lying on the couch watching bad British renovation shows on TV, he held my hands in his, or stroked my leg.

So perhaps he was just down on Saturday because after a week of waiting I still wasn't able to kiss him, or enjoy myself in his bed.

The cold sore is just about healed. We probably could have kissed last night without infection, but it seemed silly to risk it. Plus giving the ulcer an extra two days to heal will be more comfortable for me.