On being a 5th wheel.

Now that KCG and the Human Dynamo have serious boyfriends, it's interesting to look at how my relationship with these new men is developing.

It's odd, but I think I have a high opinion of The Human Dynamo's boyfriend thanks to just one thing: he's made an effort to get to know me. Not much of an effort - just a couple of emails - but enough to make me feel as if he recognises that I'm an important part of The Human Dynamo's life and therefore a part of his life that needs to be important. One aspect of being in a successful relationship with someone is getting along with their friends.

By contrast, it seems that every time I talk to KCG's boyfriend, I learn something that makes me feel even worse about myself. I recently asked him, while we were out, to fire up Grindr and see who was nearby, just for our amusement. He gave me the condescending look that he habitually wears, at least around me, and said, "Oh, I deleted my Grindr weeks ago."

I had perhaps half a second of astonishment before I gleaned what he meant. People in fulfilling relationships don't need Grindr. Even so, a 21st century gay man deleting his Grindr profile is like a 1960s swinger throwing his Little Black Book into the trash - you only do it when you've found The One.

Then later, when a passing AIDS activitst gave everyone in our group a free condom, I internally reflected on my pathetic love life, heaved a sigh and said, "Well, at least you'll get to use yours."

He gave me that condescending look again, this time with a little smirk. "No, I won't."

Just like before it took me a moment to catch his meaning. He's been having purely monogamous sex for weeks - the time for condoms is past. Condoms are for players, not faithful partners.

Including The Tick Incident, I've met KCG's boyfriend exactly three times. If he has fine qualities - other than being young, rich and hardbodied (I gave him a friendly hug goodbye the last time I saw him, and it was like embracing an oak tree) - he hasn't thought it necessary to share them with me.

This was all much easier to deal with when I seemed to be on the cusp of having a boyfriend of my own. As it is, I actually find myself dreading the end of year camping trip that The Human Dynamo is organising. It will be KCG and his boyfriend, and the Human Dynamo and his boyfriend, and me and... nobody. Being a 5th wheel is almost as bad as being a 3rd wheel.